Bonus content: On Playing Dungeons and Dragons at 44 Years of Age

Sorry for the second e-mail today. I thought I should write up one of the things I've been up to recently.

On the one hand, it's not a big deal. Parents play DnD with their kids. Everyone is into Critical Role and engaging in collaborative storytelling. It makes perfect sense that it's in vogue because it is a way to reflect on a world gone mad. I just read about a woman facing deportation who's helped hundreds, if not thousands of people. In truth, it would be hard to roleplay the government in this scenario as Lawful Evil simply because it is too evil.

On the other hand, something about rolling the dice, obsessing over the Monster Manual, and dreaming about fantasy treasure feels different for me this time. I'm not entirely sure what it is.

It's dramatically distinct from my teenage years, when DnD was nothing but bad combat scenarios. It was a way to yell at each other and be a know-it-all because you memorized fake facts in a book. I looked forward to trying it then, but each attempt was a failure. I never understood what I was supposed to do. Our party would do the usual stuff of haggle with the merchant, rob random people, kill some monsters, and then do the same thing again. There was no teamwork, little or no roleplay, and no attempt at a mutually creative space.

All that's changed now. I try to have backstories for characters that take a minute or two to tell. I want to aid or assist everyone in the party at least once a session. Making sure everyone shines is a priority. The books are a joy because they're a way of communicating what works. Sharing the scene and passing it on to others is of vital importance. Debating each other in character about what we should do has the potential for electric moments.

Part of the difference lies in the characters I roll. I was never a fan of just having an avatar of myself in game, but knowing how to build a persona and stick to it is a skill that takes practice. I don't need to tell you how undervalued that was in my high school and college years.

It isn't terribly valued now, either. But it has been just a little easier for me to see how awesome it can be. Someone who can put on a funny voice, drop a tagline, and relate how someone else sees the world has created something wonderful, if not for the daring alone. Right now, my DnD character is Miriam Lightbreath, a 55 year old peace cleric and bard who loves helping her community, going to bars to sing "Sweet Caroline" in Elven, and talking about her grandchildren. Why did I choose to create Miriam? Because I want to see how someone older sees a heroic journey. Miriam's character arc could go a million different directions: she might see sheer power as necessary for protection and become corrupt. She might just want to return to her grandkids if she sees the world of adventurers as too uncaring and irresponsible. She might realize what peace and politics are on a higher level. I'm not sure where this is going. I still like getting treasure like "Demonic Plate Mail +8" but I don't think that's quite Miriam's cup of tea. But who knows?

The characters I roll typically aim to be helpful and empathetic. I would like to try out a necromancer who is so deeply wounded he can't see anything but death. There are some amazing, sillier storytelling possibilities there: I can imagine getting a whole party pumped for the zombie invasion we're going to unleash. It's the fact I have an approach that's making this time out special.

I still am not sure what the core difference is between now and then, though. Childhood versus adulthood is too simplistic. I mean, some people never learn to play a game properly. And it is sheer luck that I saw being in character as a neat skill to have and building interesting personas as good.

I'm tempted to think the core difference is aspirational. It starts with making sure everyone in the party gets a spotlight, everyone feels supported, everyone feels they can make speak and make choices. I really did want more teamwork in my teenage years, but I had no idea how to go about that. In retrospect, I would have needed to get all the books, make notes about how to support and buff others, ask everyone what's most valuable, and then hope I get credit for all that. It would have taken a level of obsession I wasn't aware of and an acceptance that isn't always reliable. I've had one session with Miriam and she was casting healing left and right at critical moments. There were a lot of thank you's. Some people go years without hearing that.