Emily Dickinson, "Pain — has an Element of Blank" (650)

Dickinson claims "Pain – has an Element of Blank." I can't help but think how uncomfortable we are with that notion. Everyone proclaims "no pain, no gain" at the gym and, more insidiously, at work. "No pain, no gain" is not an entirely innocent proposition. Because of it, some completely fail to deal with discomfort, instead denying discomfort is possible in the first place. They're always gaining and only the weak feel pain.

Consider how "no pain, no gain" lends itself to two more radical notions. First, "that which does not kill you makes you stronger." The yoga/wellness guru to Nazi pipeline, so visible on the internet in alternative health circles, depends on the illusion of being in control no matter what. Implicitly, many are pledged to this. Second, there's the notion that no serious art is possible without tragedy. Bad things must happen and be worked with. Anyone who wants to talk about higher goods achieved through positive resolve is not serious. Angry, bitter people who can't let go become authorities. Those who can navigate tough emotions aren't seen as useful.

I read "Pain – has an Element of Blank" and I dwell on the myriad ways it acknowledges hurt. It isn't a random moment of forgetfulness. It speaks to those times you feel you desperately need guidance–any symbol will do–and all you are given are blanks. How tremendous pain more than numbs; it eats away at the mind. I recently read about a woman dealing with severe brain damage after a successful boxing career, and she said the doctors told her "every time you get a concussion, a piece of your brain dies, and you just go on living without it. And I’ve had too much dead brain." What she's going through is some of the most extreme injury to which our society condemns people. I do not intend to minimize her experience; thinking of her I hear echoes of "Pain – has an Element of Blank;" "It cannot recollect / When it begun;" "It has no Future – but itself:"

Pain — has an Element of Blank (650)
Emily Dickinson
  
Pain — has an Element of Blank —
It cannot recollect
When it begun — or if there were
A time when it was not —

It has no Future — but itself —
Its Infinite contain
Its past — enlightened to perceive
New Periods — of Pain.

Acknowledging hurt in the face of a culture demanding that we always say we're fine is a radical move. We've got to admit that we're a mess, that things may not always work out, that what we're best at can boomerang against us. And you might say that "no pain, no gain," even with its more dangerous outgrowths, is not only more comforting but a better idea for us in general. Why invite more fear and anxiety into our lives? Why admit some damage cannot be fixed?

I don't think Dickinson wants to tell us that pain, fear, and anxiety are good things. I remember when I was co-teaching a class and we were trying to explain the concept of death anxiety. That there is a form of anxiety directly stemming from the problem of assigning meaning to one's life. A form of anxiety that can made to empower. No one wanted to hear this. Everyone testified to being overwhelmed: there were too many thoughts, too many responsibilities, too many expectations. The starting point of this poem is that pain destroys. It takes over the past. "It cannot recollect / When it begun – or if there were / A time when it was not."

It bounds the future. "It has no Future – but itself." Therein lies a tough but useful truth. I hesitate to call it good. Just like grief, one would rather have someone back in their lives than the space they are holding for them. Pain can be meaningful. "Its Infinite contain / Its past – enlightened to perceive / New Periods – of Pain." As pain dictates the future and rewrites the past, it can discover new sources of pain. This can certainly be torment. It can also be a step toward self-knowledge. Knowing and accepting your vulnerabilities is not just embrace of the truth. It also entails the honesty so essential to knowledge actually being useful. Again, this isn't good, but it is a potential foundation for something more authentic. One thing that's very notable about those who insist they have never felt pain: their denials are very similar, if not identical.